One of our recent Story Hours focused on the topic of
Navigating Conflict: Working through an interpersonal challenge. The imminence of the event inspired Kara to brainstorm story ideas that could fit that subject. Navigating conflict is a guaranteed component of leadership. It comes up all the time in our coaching conversations as our clients navigate conflict with their managers, colleagues and/or direct reports. There’s almost no limit to where it can show up at work and, when it does, it creates a spiraling ball of distraction that saps mental energy, inhibits communication and causes negative feelings all around.
Here’s one of the examples of conflict that Kara identified:
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Several years ago, I was in conversation with a potential client that was interested in piloting our Influential Storytelling workshop for their HR team.
Everything seemed on track at first. He was excited, we were thrilled and we got to planning.
I emailed my contact our paperwork and we discussed potential dates. And I told him that we would confirm dates and book travel once we had the paperwork signed and finalized. This is a standard practice for us and he said, “Okay, the paperwork is moving through the system. I’ll keep you updated.”
We talked every few days to discuss logistics and every time we spoke, I would ask, “How’s the contract processing? When can I expect a signature?” My contact would say he’d check in with him and that everything’s moving as expected but it was a big company and so sometimes it takes forever.
On the other hand, we’re a small business. We want things to work out and try to stay flexible, so eventually we agree on a date and I book travel… without a signature and finalized paperwork. I made the decision that I was comfortable with the risk because I was confident the paperwork would show up before I got on the plane.
This pattern continued for a few weeks, until it was the Friday before Monday’s event and I still didn’t have a signature. I was nervous about the engagement. It didn’t feel right anymore. I couldn’t stop thinking about worst case scenarios and wondering what to do.
That Saturday, Stephanie and I talked about it and decided that with no contract in sight the day before travel, I would cancel my flight and inform my contact.
Early the next week my contact and I were on the phone. He apologized. He felt bad that things were so slow to progress, but before we could start making fresh plans, he shared that his boss wanted to speak with me one-on-one.
My face immediately got red hot. Okayyyy….I know it’s not going to be a “good” conversation. He’s obviously not happy his event was canceled at the last minute. We set up the call and later that week I got on the phone, ready to talk to someone I expected would be angry with me.
I took a few breaths before I made the call. I wanted to reduce my anxiety and remind myself of the purpose of the conversation. I didn’t need to win. I wanted to maintain the relationship. I wanted to get the contract signed and another date scheduled (preferably in that order).
The boss picked up and shared that when he heard that I had canceled, “...he was fuming.”
He told me he couldn’t believe I went ahead and canceled it. Didn’t I know they were good for it and the paperwork would be figured out eventually?
I kept taking big breaths to keep my heart rate down. I really don’t like it when I think people are mad at me. I shared that I wasn’t trying to be hard to work with and I know they weren’t either. I was just trying to do right by my company.
That first minute was the hardest part of the entire phone call and I could tell it was going to set the course for where we went from there. We were both heated. But then something magical happened. Neither of us needed to win. Both of us decided to hear the other person.
At the end of the call, we made a plan to schedule a new date and the paperwork was processed quickly.
A few weeks later, I showed up at their offices and my contact and his boss both greeted me with smiles. We were well on our way to a positive, long-term partnership.
I think what allowed us to move past our conflict was a shared desire to move forward as a team. That phone call with the boss was literally our first conversation. We were mad at each other and we had no relational foundation on which to build. But we willingly held space for the other person’s difficult feelings, focused on a solution, and figured it out together.
It’s easy to get caught up in the emotions of a less-than-positive interaction, and lose sight of the endgame. Whenever you find yourself navigating conflict, try to figure out how to change your mindset from “us vs. them” to “we.”
What are your tips for conflict resolution at work?
