Make People Feel Seen, Heard, and Understood - Part 2: Coaching Tips for Leaders

kara • March 20, 2023
Woman with glasses reading from a book at a podium. She smiles, and is wearing a yellow top.

Last time, we discussed how important it is that leaders make their people feel seen, heard, and understood (see Part 1). As executive coaches, we work with a lot of leaders and, in our experience, find that this skill is particularly important, yet underdeveloped, in today’s leaders. The key to making people feel seen, heard, and understood is to listen and ask more questions, but as we explored in our last article, there are many mistakes leaders make even when they THINK they’re doing just that. Today, we’re here to offer some conversation tools we use as coaches that we think are particularly powerful at making people feel seen, heard, and understood.


Restate What You Hear


Let your statements be limited to restating what you hear or noticing the mental and emotional experience of the other person. This is the single most fundamental way to make a person feel seen and heard.


Ask Powerful Questions


If you want to help them move forward and find a solution, focus on asking powerful questions; questions that begin with the words when, where, how, and sometimes what. 


  1. What would make you feel successful?
  2. Where might you start?
  3. How will you evaluate your options?
  4. When will you know you’ve found what you’re looking for?


Stay Future-Focused


The best questions are future-oriented. They're not designed to get the other person to simply rehash the past and talk about things they already know. Those questions, though technically phrased right, are mostly information-seeking on your part rather than productive. Here are some common questions that aren’t future-oriented, and their more powerful counterparts:


  1. What have you tried so far? → What could you try?
  2. How did Sally receive that?  → How do you imagine Sally will receive that?
  3. What has been successful in the past? → What outcome are you hoping for?


Trust Your Conversation Partner’s Answers Are Right


If you’re truly asking powerful, future-oriented questions, the next step is trusting that what the other person offers in answer to your questions is “right” for them. Powerful, open-ended questions don’t have an objectively right answer… they’re exploratory in nature. Even if it’s not the answer you would have given had the tables been turned, it’s the right answer for them.


Be Mindful


The simple act of making the conscious commitment to be curious will set you up to be so. Take a breath, focus on what you want to bring to the conversation, and let that be a mindframe that you stay in throughout.


As a leader, one of the most radical things you can do is prioritize making your people feel seen, heard, and understood. Take the time to cultivate some of the keystone skills of coaches—listening and asking questions— to transform your relationships, inspire your people, and engage them more effectively.


What do you do as a leader to make your people feel seen, heard and understood?

Summary of Takeaways

Building on the common mistakes discussed in Part 1, here are the keystone coaching skills you can cultivate to transform your relationships and make your people feel truly seen, heard, and understood:


  1. Restate and Validate: The most fundamental way to make someone feel heard is to restate what you’ve heard them say. Noticing their mental and emotional experience ("It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated by...") acknowledges their reality before you move toward action.
  2. Ask Powerful, Exploratory Questions: Shift away from fact-finding. Focus on "When," "Where," "How," and "What" questions that encourage the other person to think deeply. Examples include: "What would make you feel successful here?" or "Where might you start?"
  3. Stay Future-Oriented: Don't let the conversation get stuck in a rehash of the past. Instead of asking "What have you tried so far?", try "What could you try?" This pivots the energy toward possibilities rather than just information-seeking.
  4. Trust Their Answers: In an exploratory conversation, there is no objectively "right" answer. Trust that what your conversation partner offers is the right answer for them, even if it differs from what you would do.
  5. Commit to Curiosity: Before starting a conversation, take a breath and intentionally set a mindset of curiosity. This mindfulness helps you stay present and prevents you from slipping back into "problem-solver" mode.



The Bottom Line: Making people feel seen, heard, and understood is a radical act of leadership. By prioritizing listening and powerful questioning over directives, you inspire your people to reach their own insights and drive their own success.

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